The Cancer Book
I was told to buy a notebook to keep track of all the important information I would be getting regarding Rod’s cancer. Rod’s cancer. After being married for a long time there aren’t many things that belong to one or the other of us. This would sometimes annoy me.
I would say something about using Rod’s car and he would correct me that it wasn’t his car but our car and that he just happens to drive it more often. I tell him people need their own things. I tell him we are too close and should have more friends.
Rod’s cancer is in his body but it belongs to us both. There is not one second that I am not thinking of it and choking from the fear of it. He takes a pain pill and I take something for stress. We take turns getting up throughout the night.
This is the sickness in “sickness and health.” This is the worse in “for better or worse.” This is the “‘til death do us part” and neither of us are prepared to part.
There is still too much to do. And I don’t want to do any of it without him.
I went to buy the “cancer book” because I will be in charge of keeping track of things. It is good that I write things down since I am unable to remember anything and the details and appointments keep coming. My brain is Jell-O, I shake and can pass out at any moment. Every doctor visit leaves me weaker and less helpful. I thought I’d be stronger. I have to get my shit together.
Too many days had passed and I had notes written everywhere. Had to get the cancer book.
I walked over to the dollar store – the fake dollar store that really charges more than a dollar – and browsed through all the notebooks. There were some pretty ones with colorful designs. I stared for several minutes at one that said, “Be happy” on the cover and thought if I get that it would show the doctors that I had an upbeat, positive attitude. Maybe I wanted to prove to the cancer that I was being positive and it would retreat a little. Then I passed on that one and looked at the cute polka dotted ones. Who doesn’t love polka dots? I like them! Cancer would hate polka dots. Cancer is dark and ugly so polka dots would just make it mad and well… you see where I was going and then I just got hysterical and grabbed a blue spiral notebook which ended up costing more money than I had on me so I didn’t even buy it.
Having an anxiety attack in the fake dollar store is not strange when your husband has cancer. I thought it was, but after speaking with others I hear it is pretty routine.
I have since purchased a plain black and white composition book as the cancer book and it is coming in very handy. All of the appointments, doctor names and tests go in there. It is becoming a very important book and it is helping keep me sane. It cost $1 at the real dollar store.
It’s Rod and Rochelle’s cancer book and I can’t wait until we burn the fucker.