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Creative Writing: ‘Subway Tales’

EDITOR’S NOTE from ALICIA:┬áBack in the day, my dear friend and I Stephen Beverly and I were more than just buddies. In high school, our relationship went much, much deeper than that. It was a torrid, complex bond we shared, one we’re still sorting out even now.

alicia and steve

I was the teaching assistant for one of his English classes our senior year at Drury High School. Taught by Tim Callahan (Hi, T.C.! I know you be creepin buntology. You better be), I ruled the classroom with an iron fist, giving tough grades to even the best students. I was hard, but fair. Ask TC. I was probably .. the best TA ever. Yep, that’s how I was known up at ol’ Drury – best piece of TA to ever saunter into an English classroom. Anyway, this play, written by my Steven and handed in only 2 days late, earned a 100 from me. I wrote in big pink letters: “100! Pure brilliance!” Mr. Callahan wrote: “She looooves you! But you get a 68.” (He would have gotten an 88 if he’d handed it on on time.)

So now, for your reading pleasure: Subway Tales.

INT. WILLIAMSTOWN SUBWAY. NIGHT.
STEVE and ALICIA are talking

STEVE
So what are you up to tonight?
ALICIA
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll call one of my boyfriends or something.
STEVE
So, there are more than one now?
ALICIA
Yeah, it’s awesome.
STEVE
Awesome for a skank like you.
ALICIA
Oh, well, at least my freshman girlfriend didn’t dump me. Stupid loser.
STEVE
Screw you. Why don’t you get another disease?

An odd-looking couple walks in the door.

WOMAN
Do you sell any sandwiches for a dollar?
STEVE
No, the cheapest sandwich is like three dollars.
MAN
(to woman) No, that’s too much. How much for an apple pie?
STEVE

Seventy-two cents.

MAN

Can we have two of those, please?

STEVE gets them their food. They pay and walk over to a table. They talk for a moment or two, and then the man looks over at STEVE evilly. The pair then walks out.
STEVE
What was the deal with them?
ALICIA
What do you mean?
STEVE
I’m not even sure THey were acting really weird while they ordered. Plus, they kept staring at me. I just think they’re up to something.
ALICIA
You’re crazy, Steve. Have you been drinking or something?
STEVE
You know, every time I have an idea, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve been drinking, ALICIA.
ALICIA
Maybe you’re not drunk. Maybe you’re just on your crazy pills again, because those people weren’t doing anything wrong!
Another customer walks in.
STEVE
Why don’t you make yourself useful and get those people a sandwich.
ALICIA
Screw you.
A couple of hours pass and STEVE and ALICIA continue to go about their regular work.
STEVE
That creepy lady is still sitting there. She must be up to no good.
ALICIA
Yeah. I’m starting to get freaked out by her, too.
STEVE
Maybe she’s just hungry. Ask her if she wants some free food.
ALICIA walks over to the woman.
ALICIA
Ummm … would you like something to eat, or anything?
WOMAN

No, thank you.

ALICIA

Are you sure? We won’t charge you.

WOMAN

That’s quite all right. Thank you for asking, though. I’m really full from those pies.

ALICIA goes back behind the counter.

STEVE

Well, what did she say?

ALICIA

She told me that she was full from those pies.

STEVE

But Alicia, I’ve been watching her, and –

ALICIA

And WHAT?

STEVE

And since I’ve been watching her, she hasn’t eaten either of those pies!

ALICIA

Ok, now I’m really freaked out!

They bother go into the back room.

STEVE

All right. If that crazy guy comes back, whoever is in back should just run away. Agreed?

ALICIA

Ok. It’s a deal.

They both prepare to close up for the night. STEVE goes and puts away some silverware and the strange man runs back in with some kind of large bag under his arm. He runs over to the WOMAN.
MAN

We have to get out of here right now!

WOMAN

Did you do it?

MAN

Of course I did. Now let’s go!

ALICIA drops a pot, drawing the attention of the MAN and WOMAN.

MAN

She’s on to us! (pulling a gun) Freeze, bitch!

ALICIA

Ahhh! Oh my goodness, someone help me!

MAN

Shut up and get down on the ground!

ALICIA hesitates.

MAN

I said now, bitch!

ALICIA

Goodness! Steve, run quick!

STEVE comes out from the back with his hands in the air.

MAN

Get the heck on the ground!

STEVE

All right. Just calm down, buddy.

MAN

Don’t tell me what to do!

STEVE

Ok, but listen. There is a safe in the back with thousands of dollars in it. It’s yours. Just don’t hurt the girl.

MAN pauses, then looks over at woman.

MAN

We could use some more money.

WOMAN

We’ve got plenty of money already. There’s no reason to get this money.

MAN

Shut the heck up! Who asked you, anyway? (To STEVE) All right, show me the safe. … And you better not try anything stupid.

STEVE

All right, just don’t do anything rash!

They start to go toward the back room.

ALICIA

Be careful, Stevie.

MAN

You shut the heck up, ho, or I’ll slap you.

As he turns to yell at ALICIA, STEVE picks up a meatball pan and smacks the man over the head with it.

MAN

Ouch! You hit me in the head with a meatball pan!

The MAN topples and STEVE grabs his gun.

ALICIA

Oh, Steve, you’re so awesome and brave. How can I ever repay you?

STEVE

I’ll think of something … baby.

The WOMAN from the corner makes a run for the door.

STEVE

Look out! (shoots her in the leg)

WOMAN

Ouch! You shot me in the leg!

ALICIA

Wow, Steve. You’re such a good shot. Is there anything you aren’t good at?

STEVE

Nope.

A few hours later, some police are still milling around, questioning STEVE and ALICIA.

OFFICER

Well, I think that just about does it. And let me just shake the hand of a real live hero. (shakes STEVE’S hand) Not just anyone could stop two bank robbers.

STEVE

It was nothing, officer. (looking at ALICIA) What do you say we head back to my house?

ALICIA

(Giggling) Whatever you say, baby.

STEVE and ALICIA go back to STEVE’S house. They fall asleep together, and STEVE is very content.

INT. STEVE’S BASEMENT – DAY

STEVE wakes up in his basement to find his friends JUSTIN, ROSS and WALT sitting around watching television.

STEVE

Huh? What happened?

ROSS

(holding a funnel) You funneled 20 beers last night and puked all over the place.

WALT

Yeah dude, it was wicked sweet.

STEVE

Why is my eye all swelled shut?

JUSTIN

You grabbed ALICIA’S ass and her boyfriend punched you in the face.

STEVE

Wow. That’s almost like the dream I just had.

Comments

Timothy Callahan
Reply

After all these years, I’m still trying to decode the brilliance of this sentence: “They bother go into the back room.”

Also, Steve always got 68s! That’s how he rolled.

And, I can’t say who was the best TA ever, although you were the only one ever to provide his or her own chair. So, extra points for that.

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