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Alicia’s work-out plan

This is what I look like in real life.

There’s nothing I hate more than exercise.

People laugh when I tell them this. They think I’m kidding. But I do not exercise at all. I’m in terrible shape. I don’t go to the gym, I don’t take any work-out classes, I don’t hike or walk my dog or kickbox or use the stairs if I can avoid it. I don’t even really like walking.

My idea of physical activity is tackling my front steps after a long Saturday night. So imagine my horror at realizing my Fitness for Life class is not a lecture session but – oh god! – a fitness class.

I need 1 phys ed credit to graduate, so I put off the half-semester class till, natch, the last half of my last semester (fingers crossed!). The class is at 8 a.m. I hate getting up early almost as much as I hate exercise, but not quite. The class meets in a big lecture hall in the campus center, so I figure hey! I can just hide in the back under my hoodie and nap for 45 minutes. What are we gonna learn anyway, right? How a heart beats? What’s in the food pyramid? Where to buy Cheerios? Blah blah blah, I get it. I mean, besides the fact that I get no exercise and eat nothing but Juicy Juice, french fries, whiskey and tomatoes, I’m prettttty healthy. This class should be an easy A.

“This class is an easy A,” the teacher boomed. I grinned and let my eyes drift shut. “Starting next time, we meet in the gym. Come dressed for activity!”

“Now, you aren’t going to be graded on how you measure up against your fellow students,” my teacher (coach? oh god) continued. “What’s important is that you come to every class. We’re measuring individual achievement. We’re gonna get those heart rates up. The goal is to have your heart rate at between 120-140 beats per minute for at least 35 minutes a class, three times a week.”

Let me lay this out for you. Things I hate:

1. Exercise
2. Getting up early
3. Going to class

So this is basically my worst nightmare come true. My teacher then said he’s going to monitor our heartbeats, our breathing; he’s going to track our progress and assess our abilities. Great, great. This already feels like high school. I’m going to show up wearing the wrong shoes, he’s going to dock me points, I won’t pass and my mother is going to kill me.

I guess I’m actually going to have to exercise. Like, put on a T-shirt and sneakers (is that what people wear?) and get on the treadmill or whatever. Crunches, stretching, water, whatever whatever. The rest of the Bunt family does it, I guess I could give it a try – I mean, I don’t really have a choice. I’m also going to start taking vitamins.*

*Steroids.

Comments

Rochelle/ Alicia's mother
Reply

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOlololo

buntology
Reply

OMG alicia that class sounds AWESOME I am so jealous..not being sarcastic at all you should take advantage of these times! Get that beach bod ready for the Summer! -Jackie

ange
Reply

hahaha wow. i would definitely kill myself. i remember when i failed gym class in high school. good times, good times.

ps shut up jackie 🙂

xtina
Reply

wow alicia you are funny

ldav
Reply

HA! well at least you will be fit for patrolling now. i hate having to pick up your slack
😉

Rochelle
Reply

I can’t believe you girls had to take Gym in High School. How come you didn’t get your mother to get you a medical excuse of some kind like I di. Oh wait… uh… nevermind.

jodie
Reply

Isn’t wearing stilettos and being able to apply mascara enough of a testament to your fitness level?

Alicia
Reply

Jackie: I like the beach bod I’ve had in previous years .. that of a beached whale. Pale, grotesque, cringing from the sunlight and making a deep moaning noise.

Ivan and Xtina and Ange: I know. And I know. anddd I know.

Ldav: I know, I know. The vamps were really takin advantage of my weak physique. Lucky for me I’m badass with a stake and have backup magical powers. Hopefully my teacher will whip me into slaying shape …

Mom: It’s not “oh wait .. uh .. nevermind.” The phrase is “Wait, what? *runs away*” And also I think by now everyone knows Rochelle = Mom.

Jodie: I would think so! Especially since I can walk in the stilettos while applying the mascara. The question is, can I walk on a treadmill in stilettos? And will my gym teacher appreciate the skill it takes?

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