5 Things That Might Make You Feel Better About Getting Dumped
In the space between the time that you’re born and the time that you’re married, it’s inevitable that you’ll experience some type of heartbreak–and probably more than once. Getting dumped is almost a rite of passage in your transition from Young And Naive Human to Jaded And Knowing Adult.
Even the hottest, coolest, and most badass of us are not immune to such things–Lord knows I have dealt with my fair share of rejection, and I f*cking rule. But more important than how you got dumped, it’s how you handle getting dumped that really separates the men from the boys. Read on for some tips that will help take you from zero to hero during this trying emotional time.
1. Have Sex as Soon as Humanly Possible
Have sex immediately, with everyone and anyone. Nobody around? Head to the closest public place, close your eyes, spin in a circle and point to the winner. Congrats Magdalena, my friendly 24-hour laundromat attendant, today is your lucky day! Sure, you run the risk of feeling empty inside after meaningless sex with a complete stranger (better get used to that feeling, Single Sally), but there really is truth to the old adage “the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody.” Being able to say that the last peen you had wasn’t the same sword that stabbed a hole through your–ahem–heart just makes you feel better. Also, you’ll feel badass knowing that while your ex thinks you’re sitting at home licking your wounds you’re out licking somebody else’s… wounds. Eh, who are we kidding, he/she probably isn’t thinking of you.
2. Smoke a Ton of Weed…
During a breakup, smoking weed has a way of giving your hamster wheel of a mind a bit of a break, and allows you to see clarity on the now-defunct relationship: “Could I really put up with the fact that my ex [insert concession that you were making for a relationship that was doomed for failure from the get-go]?” You’ll find that once you’re high, all of those cutesy things you and your old flame used to say to each other are a helluva lot less cute, and instead cringeworthy. “Did I really call him pookie bear? What the fuck? I don’t talk like that–I don’t even know what a pookie bear is.” Then, depending on how good your weed is, you can wax poetic with your roommate about if a pookie bear were a real animal, what it would look like and what it would eat. Is it an herbivore or an omnivore? In what kind of climate would it roam? See, I bet you haven’t thought about getting your ass dumped in at least five minutes.
3. …But Lay off the Booze.
Unless directly correlating with number one, I’d suggest avoiding copious booze consumption for the first leg of your post-relationship trauma. It’s a depressant, and will inevitably end in you feeling sad, lonely and miserable. This is not to be confused with the round-the-clock feelings of sadness, loneliness and misery that you’ll wrestle with for the days, weeks, months (God, how much longer) following a breakup. Also, with every vodka-soda you consume, the percent chance of you texting your ex increases. Take it from me, a girl who once got so drunk she decided it would be a good idea to send an ex-boyfriend (whom I hadn’t spoken to in almost a year) an e-card just to say “hello”–at three o’clock in the morning.
4. Borrow Your Friend’s Netflix Account and Start Watching Mad Men
What better way to escape your own miserable reality than by entering into somebody else’s? If you’re going to lay in your bed all day anyway, you may as well take up watching a TV show. Plus, once you’re back in the saddle, you can add it to the “Favorite Television Shows” section of your OKCupid profile, and it’ll be a good talking point for you and your rebound. I found solace in Don Draper: A suave and sexy businessman from the 60s, who works as the creative director for a booming advertising agency in New York City. Torn between his past and present, temptation and morality, Don – as well as the audience – struggle to decipher the man behind the mystery. Personally, I struggle to decipher what it is about Jon Hamm that I find so appealing. Is it his voice, his body, his character’s utter disregard for anybody but himself? Damn, he’s sexy. I wonder if he’s single…
5. Compare Your Life to the Life of Somebody With Real Problems
Did you know that in the last five minutes 20,000 children died of starvation in Zimbabwe, eleven-thousand Africans just contracted the AIDS virus, and Lindsey Lohan just got her 80th DUI? Pussy Riot is still in jail, for Christ’s sake! The point is, even at your most down-trodden there is always somebody somewhere who is having a much shittier time than you. It’s hard to feel bad for yourself when you turn to the left and see a mother/daughter duo panhandling for change, and you turn to the right and notice the legless man hoisting himself inside the 4-5-6 train on crowded Monday commute. Shit, you turned too far to the right and saw the couple canoodling on the subway platform. I know .. I hate them, too.